Chasing Birds with Drunkards

A spastic mess of quasi-pretentious musings and unsolicited rage.

I’m doing it wrong.

Okay, so I have come to realize that I have been doing tumblr wrong. I like the site, but now know that this particular blog site is meant for smaller, more consistent posting. I have now moved the blog that I have been keeping up to wordpress ( http://chasingbirdswithdrunkards.wordpress.com/ ), so you can follow updates of that variety there. I will likely link to them on here regardless because I have absolutely no problem with self-promotion.

That being said, I need a new name for this tumblr account! I’m open to any and all suggestions!

An Uncomfortable, Hideous Truth

Have you ever been watching Wheel of Fortune and wondered how such a simple, silly game can completely envelope your senses? Last week, I turned on a WoF marathon in the morning. Before I knew it, I had spent 18 hours watching that goddamned wheel dole out fabulous prizes and crushing failure to the hapless contestants. I didn’t know how it could ahve happened! I mean, you’re just guessing words, right? They don’t even try to be creative with it - one of the categories is “Things” for Christ’s sake. There had to be something more to this show. I decided to do some Googling, and after only two brief interludes to look at cute cat videos and stalk people on facebook, I uncovered a story that is as horrifying as it is absolutely true. I’m just going to cut to the chase with this: The secret to Wheel of Fortune’s success is that Pat Sajak is a mutated, magical pumpkin.

                                                   

                                                  Look closely…you’ll see it.

I can’t get into details, but after some email exchanges and doing some things that I’m not proud of or even legally allowed to talk about, I’ve uncovered the story.

Years ago, a younger (and still alive) Merv Griffin was wondering through a forest foraging for berries and looking for inspiration for his next hit game-show when he heard a strange, guttural whimpering coming from a nearby swamp. Having nothing better to do, and hoping it was an injured fawn he could take home to eat, he decided to investigate. What he found changed his life forever. At first, he thought it was just a regular pumpkin, with a dying animal inside of it,  but then he quickly realized it had legs, and was trying to speak. What he found was the young Pat Sajak.

                                        

                                                 Artist’s Rendering

Why Merv decided to take the pumpkin home that day, we may never know. Maybe it was pure intrigue, maybe it was some kind of weird pumpkin fetish. Or maybe, JUST MAYBE - Merv saw what this tiny humanoid gourd-like squash was capable of.

Merv knew he wouldn’t be able to show the world what he had found. He had read X-Men comics, and knew that if the world found out about the young Pat, he would either be dissected by government scientists, or turned into a weapon by the military. Merv decided to hide the pumpkin in plain sight. He dressed him as a human, and trained him to be one as well. He raised him as his own child.

Pat grew up quickly, and immediately showed an incredible aptitude for hosting a show like Wheel of Fortune. This does not include the skill of spelling or word guessing, of course. Anyone that has seen WoF knows that Pat Sajak really has no interest in the game itself. What Pat was immediately good at, however, was feigning interest in people’s bland stories, staying awake, and naming letters that are displayed in front of him. Pat also had the uncanny ability to mesmerize anyone that stared at him for too long. Merv’s wife eventually died of starvation while watching Pat play with a dead mouse. This didn’t keep Merv from raising and guiding Pat, however. Merv loved Pat dearly, and in order to conceal the truth of what Pat was, he decided the best thing to do was give him a job that allowed him to do what he did best in an environment of gaudy, swirling colours and elaborate sets that would keep everyone distracted.

And so, once Pat was old enough and Merv felt he could pass him off as a human, he created Wheel of Fortune…and the rest is history.

                                        

                       Seriously, look at his face. That dude is a fucking pumpkin.

Weekly Thing-Brought to you by Beer, Hockey, Snow, Melting Pots, Lumberjacks, and the word “sorry”.

Dear Comedy Writers,

We all really need to step up our game when it comes to making fun of Canada. For far too long, I’ve had to sit back and watch as jews, asians, hipsters, people of the southern US, and women get ripped apart by offensive yet intricate and well formed insults. I’ll get to my rant about the lack of jokes about white men later, but for now, we need to hit the reset button on the Canada jokes. I am sick of people popping in a hockey or maple syrup reference and expecting it to be a joke. Same goes for the dialect. Saying “me ruv you rong time” isn’t done anymore, and neither should “how aboot some hockey eh?” (That being said, there exceptions to every rule, and under the right circumstances, both of those could be hilarious.) There’s got to be more to Canada that can be made fun of! We are a diverse nation full of ridiculous people and places. There is more to us than being polite or emulating the US! There is more than hockey and beer!

As a Canadian citizen, I have decided to compile a list of silly or funny things about Canada  that are rarely recognized.

Well shit, I guess there isn’t much else. Nevermind.

                                                             A wet Canadian Beaver.

Weekly Thing - Brought to you by Misleading Punctuation!

IT’S TIME TO UPDATE SOME LISTS AND BLOW THINGS UP

Updates to the Hit-List! (things that need to be taken down a peg)

30 Rock

Sorry everyone, it’s a great show, but it doesn’t deserve to sweep the emmy’s every year because it panders to comedy writers.

The Black Keys

Yeah yeah, they are catchy and have swagger and attitude. It’s just blues, people, and not very good blues, either.  Listen to “Ball and Biscuit” by the White Stripes, “Burn the Witch” by Queens of the Stone Age, or anything by Seasick Steve if you want to listen to good modern blues. (Note: I haven’t heard the album, so feel free  to call me out for not knowing what the fuck I’m talking about)

Updates to the Re-Think List! (things I’m currently reconsidering my position on)

True Blood

Initially, I dismissed this along with things like Twilight and the Vampire Diaries. I’ve looked into it a bit more recently (and by that I mean I watched a trailer on YouTube), and it seems to have a bit more substance and appeal that I thought. Not saying I’ll like it, but I might not hate it. THIS IS RIVETING, ISN’T IT.

Myself

Chances are, I’m just completely full of shit about most things. I’m 25, what the hell do I know?

Updates to the Shit-List! (as in, “shit yeah, that’s awesome)

Louis CK

Hardest working guy in comedy. He produces a new hour of material every year. That is unheard of. Also, his show “Louie” is one of the best shows on tv right now, period.

Parks and Recreation

Hopefully it doesn’t jump the shark in the 3rd season. Beyond creating Ron Fucking Swanson, this show hosts a cast of characters that are fresh, endearing, and always funny.

——Note: I’m playing the hipster card on both of those things; I liked them before they were popular. Eat it.

What we’ve all learned today!

Pictures of explosions, bold typeface, and exclamation marks help boring things seem more exciting.

And now, the some of the most romantic photo ever taken (courtesy of thechive.com)

             


In honour of Canada Day, I’m pimping Jon Dore, a Canadian who needs way more attention than he is getting.

In honour of Canada Day, I’m pimping Jon Dore, a Canadian who needs way more attention than he is getting.

Weekly Thing-Brought to you by Brylcreem and Falafel Shack

If you love watching two poorly informed, greasy dogmatists talk over each other about religion, check this out.

Honestly, if it weren’t for O’Reilly’s hilarious “you can’t explain that” argument towards the end, I would almost score this as even. Sure, O’Reilly is an idiot and a blowhard, but Maher seems to only know how to answer questions by smirking and saying “okay” like a smarmy douchebag.

Watching Maher defend atheism is like listening to an arrogant 11th grader. Yeah, sure, I agree with Maher’s conclusion, but how he gets there isn’t much different than how O’Reilly gets to his, and I just can’t deal with his arrogant attitude, especially when it is clear that his knowledge of the discussion is lacking. He tries to make up for it with some hand-waving, but the fact is that he hasn’t done the work to merit being so smug about his conclusions. Is he seriously still pulling the “if God wrote it, why doesn’t it make sense” line? Since when does it have to make sense to you for God to have written it?

Hot holy fuck, now I’m defending religion - Screw you, Maher. Screw you and your stupid hair and your stupid face.

Weekly Thing - Brought to you by Big Tobacco

                                      

                              “It’s healthy because it comes from the ground”

If you ever hear someone say this to you, the only appropriate reactions are to A) Laugh; B) Frantically run away; or C)Calmly try to explain to them that that is one of the dumbest ideas currently circulating through drug and food culture.

This phrase has been used to defend the merits of not only drugs like mushrooms and marijuana, but also countless homeopathic and “all natural” remedies and diets. Now, I get the aim of this argument: Substances picked raw from nature will probably contain fewer additives or chemicals that are generated in labs with the intention of making things more addictive, enhancing shelf life, or lowering cost of production, and may contain more nutrients. Unfortunately, the given benefits pretty much end there, and I have been very generous with my interpretation.

Let’s do a quick test: Can you name anything that grows in nature that is unhealthy for you? I sure as hell hope you can at least think of poison ivy or the countless forms of mushrooms and berries that will fuck you up. If not, check this out - you might be surprised by some of the items on that list.

Point being, there is absolutely nothing in the description of “coming from the earth” that means something will be good for you; nor does it mean it will be better for you than something that is not. All that “coming from the earth” seems to mean is that it isn’t processed, and if you look at that list, there are a lot of things that are not processed that are terrible for you. The Earth is not our own personal chef or drug dealer that will cater to our every desire and need. In fact, it does not give a shit about your health, and if you are naive enough to think that something being “from the earth” is reason enough to shove it in yourself, The Earth has no problem with seriously fucking you up.

The Earth has been around a lot longer than us, and we are around today because our ancestors were able to figure out rather quickly that some things are good for us, and some things are not. There is some merit to eating more raw ingredients and less processed food, but in no way does that translate to something being good or better for you simply because it is not processed or direct from nature. There is no general rule here, treat everything as if it could be bad for you. Do the research - we live in the age of Google when every piece of information is less than a second away. Laziness isn’t even an excuse anymore.

So the next time someone runs this shit-pile of an argument on you, find the nearest clump of dirt, throw it in their face, and watch as nothing “good” happens.

Jeepers Creepers, people, get it together.

Lead on, Tom. I Will Follow.

Holy Shit. Just when I thought  that musicians couldn’t get more bad-ass and relevant, I stumble on the acoustic-folk-rock-punk-rap-funk stylings of The Nightwatchman. For those of you who don’t know who this is, you better sit down. No - lay down, because you’re going to need a nap after you hear this song.

Yeah, that’s right, that’s Tom Morello; the fist-pumping, foot stomping, perpetual hat-wearing lead guitarist of Rage Against the Machine and Audioslave. I’m glad to see he has finally stepped out of the shadows of Zach “I’m too proud to be famous” de la Rocha and Chris “Groaning is the same as singing, right?” Cornell. As The Nightwatchman, Tom Morello brings activism and music to a whole ‘nother level. He blends rich, steady guitar work with complex, deep poetry that is littered with allusions and rallying cries of freedom and how cops suck. This man is not just a musician –He is a movement, an idea, a goddamned SYMBOL.  He is The Nightwatchman, he watches the goddamned night. Can you do that? No, you can’t. You’re too busy drinking Starbucks to watch the night, asshole.

 In honour of this music-vigilante, or, as I am now coining, musilante, I offer a literary break down of pieces of one of his most powerful works, One Man Revolution

On the streets of New York
The cabs don’t stop
On the street where I live
They called the cops
Found a noose in my garage
Now how ‘bout that
So tonight I’m in the bushes
With a baseball bat

 Yeah he went there. Sure, we used to hear about cabs not stopping for black people from bad stand-up comedians in the 90s, but he’s bringing it back. He’s stuffing it right in our fat, white North American faces. Next, he proves that he lives in a bad part of town, because they called the cops on the street that he lives on. The Nightwatchmen lives with the oppressed – and he’s proud of it, you Bourgeoisie, Capitalist dick. Yeah that’s right, and they found a noose in his garage, which is probably something about being black, too, or maybe about being sad, but either way, it’s deep and badass and he sings it with a deep voice so it’s cool. The last line is the most powerful, obviously. Where is The Nightwatchman? He’s in the bushes, motherfucker, he’s Night-waiting for you with a baseball bat, ready to cripple the next guy he sees buying non-organic cornmeal.

 If your fist doesn’t just automatically rise into the air and start pumping when you hear the chorus to this song, then you obviously voted for McCain. In the next verse, The Nighwatchmen takes us even deeper into the rabbit-hole:

 On the streets of Havana
I got hugged and kissed
At the Playboy Mansion
I wasn’t on the list
On the streets of Cape Town
Shit’s ready to blow
I don’t know how to get there
But I’m ready to go

 In this piece, we see how the Nightwatchman Night-sees not only America, but other places, too. While we’re busy being sheeple and slaves to McNBC, he’s out there Night-Kissing sweet Havana poon and liberating their oppressed virginity. There is also a dire warning about the streets of Cape Town, and how the shit there is ready to blow. What does this mean, exactly? Well if you don’t know, he’s not going to tell you. He’s not the Night-Explainer, dip-shit. Also, figure out how to get to Cape Town, and then let him know. He doesn’t support Google because it isn’t locally owned, so Google Map that shit and get back to him, because he is fuckin’ ready to go. Also, he wasn’t invited to the playboy mansion, so… take that, Fascists. [Playboy note: Morello was invited, he just didn’t rsvp.]

There is so much more to say about this song and the rest of his catalog, but this will have to do for now. Tom, thank you, keep singing, keep fighting, keep..er…Nightwatching.

            http://www.boudist.com/images/tom-morello-2.JPG

*Credit to Rory for help with conception and writing of this.

Dear ICP,

Thank you for providing us all with endless material to ridicule you for, as well as a constant source of entertainment with your absurd and pathetic fan-base. However, Fuck You for forever ruining the Clown/Carnival motif that before you had had a rich history of weirdness and nobility.